[titan] Keep the change ya filthy animals!

AO: titan
Q: Chastain , Gasparilla
PAX: Chastain, Gasparilla, Falcon, Mailman, Black Hat, Jitterbug, Chicken Little, Jenga, Garfield, Spam
FNGs: None
COUNT: 10
“It’s Christmas, Theo. It’s the time of miracles.” – Die Hard

On this fine December morning at AO Titan, the men assembled like Clark Griswold waiting for the bonus check—hopeful, unsuspecting, and wildly underprepared. Chastain and Gasparilla split the Q duties for a full hour of festive suffering, proving once again that Santa doesn’t bring gifts… he brings DOMS (look it up).
The Cast
– Q1: Chastain, dressed head-to-toe as a Christmas elf: because nothing strikes fear into a man quite like burpees led by Buddy the Elf.
– Q2: Gasparilla, rocking a Santa-themed tracksuit that said, “Yes, I lift kettlebells… and yes, I still run hills.”

Act I: The Elf on the Shelf Gets Aggressive (Bootcamp – Chastain)

We kicked things off with a quick warmup because “you’ll shoot your eye out” if you don’t:
– Side Straddle Hops
– Mountain Climbers
– Peter Parkers
– Imperial Squawkers
Once the blood was flowing and Christmas cheer was officially gone, we moved into Aggressive Corners, which felt less like Elf and more like Die Hard:
– Burpees
– Mike Tysons
– Speed Skaters
– Big Boi Sit-Ups
At this point, it was clear: “Now I have a machine gun. Ho ho ho.”

Next up:
– Burpee & Merkin Suicides (because running away from your problems is still running)
– Bomb Jacks
– Bear Crawls
Somewhere between the bear crawls and bomb jacks, men started questioning life choices, wardrobe decisions, and whether eggnog counts as hydration (it 1000% does).

Act II: Santa Brings the Bells (Kettlebells – Gasparilla)

We moseyed over to Dumpster Hill, kettlebells waiting patiently at the bottom like unopened presents containing pain.
Round 1:
– KB Curls
– Tricep Extensions
– Squat Thrusters
Followed by a rifle carry up the hill and back down, just like your dad (or Recalc) who walked to school up hill both ways and in the snow.
Then an AMRAP of the same movements, immediately followed by:
– Sprint to the top
– Crab walk back down
As Clark Griswold once said: “I wasn’t talking to you.” (He was talking to his legs.)
Round 2 (New Toys, Same Misery):
– Goblet Squats
– Rows
– Kettlebell Swings
Same format:
– AMRAP
– Sprint up
– Crab walk down
Finally, the grand finale:
– One-Arm Chest Presses
– High Pulls
– Snatches
At this point everyone felt like the Grinch had stolen Christmas, or at least our willpower.

The Ending (Happily Ever After…ish)

We wrapped it all up with a final mosey back to COT, bruised, humbled, and still friends; just like a true Christmas movie ending.

“Hallelujah! Holy s**! Where’s the Tylenol?”