[Off the Chain] No rain

AO: Off the Chain
Q: Titanium Plates , Peaches
PAX: Tron, Titanium Plates, Rockwell, Breezer, Peaches, Floppy Disk, Carb Load, Stretcher, Endo, Kick Stand, Beaner, Bratwurst, Stickers, Buffet, Cartel, Sharkbite, Snugglebone
FNGs: None
COUNT: 17
https://open.spotify.com/track/6txWz9UapYHVxEd7dDIHXT?si=mKTay-sPS2CZDh2gsJYO5g&utm_source=copy-link
The Highly not so Classified weds Night “Cutty Trails” Session
Bro… so check it out.
A bunch of dudes who are, like, technically over 50, and a chic who isn’t and few young bucks met once again on the not so secrete trails for the Weds night ritual for what their wives/family were told was “light exercise.”
Total myth.
The mission was and is simple: ride bikes, “take it easy” on the trails, and definitely not air out on janky ramps and dirt mounds and imbibe in liquids enriched in barley after.

Seemed like no one wanted to lead, me included, but then peaches raised his hand on group B…. I reluctantly raised my hand for group A (mainly to desperately seek validation for the effort from freshly cleared easements).

Five minutes into the ride, Captain Breezer asked, “is this a shortcut?.”
There has never, in recorded mountain bike history, been a shortcut.

Seven minutes later everyone was climbing a hill so steep Garmin sent out a wellness check. For those who know- you know. King Kong
Halfway up, kickstands knees started negotiating with gravity.
Sharkbite laughed as she caught up with her son, since she rides up the down.
Stretcher announced he could hear colors.
Grease monkey cleaned the climb because he still has cartilage.

Meanwhile from group B came…
The Great jank Incident.
Out of nowhere, Whistler bound peach patrol decided to go for the gusto on the cutty jump line that was just retrofitted with an all new table by 12 year old engineers with their dads now missing tools. The maiden voyage of jank on the untested lip launched peaches into the front wheel of Beaners Bike which stopped. Rider didn’t.
Physics got a standing ovation, Georgia tech education was out foxed by enormous balls.
Apparently He landed in a patch of briars like he’d practiced it for years, stood up and calmly declared,
“Executive platinum baby!! I know a guy who can fix that.”
Scientific – thoughtful.
Meanwhile back on A, my legs felt a bit tired, and my heart rate stayed in zone 45 of 60 minutes. Zone 4 is 90% of max heart rate! Gotta earn the cold ones.
Further down the trail someone yelled,
“Dude… there’s a snake!”
Turns out it was the snake route.
Respectfully, nobody apologized.
Then carb load disappeared.
Not lost…
He just found a line that apparently only becomes visible after age 50 and four ibuprofen.
Twenty minutes later he rolled out of the woods from an entirely different zip code.
Nobody questioned it as he had a big shit eatin grin on his face.
As the sun started setting, the crews gathered and did the thang and fixed up bikes for a giveaway this weekend.
Back at the parking lot everyone agreed it was “only about six miles.”
Garmin later revealed it was 8.5 miles, 1,400 feet of climbing, two unscheduled Red Bull jumps, one imaginary snake, and approximately 6,000 calories worth of post-ride storytelling.
The best part?
Every rider somehow claimed to have waited for everyone else.
Nobody admits being dropped.
Everybody was.
Pizza was nice – if you like white sauce and chicken. Thanks endo! I mean BRAT.
Meanwhile jib jab and chatting abounded
Somebody talked about bug bites, fire ants, and ticks…
Somebody talked about that one branch….
Then we spent the rest of the time as we repaired bikes debating the ideal berm radius, chino-engineered bicycles, beer from golden Colorado and hemorrhoid creams – all with as much passion and technical specification as NASA moon rover engineers.
Productivity level:
Questionable.
Entertainment level:
Maximum.
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
Would ride again.
Next weds agenda:
– KOMs
– Argue about tire pressure for 30 minutes.
– Pretend nobody brought trail tools.
– Finish with Taco Bell burritos large enough to erase every calorie burned.
Because, dudes…
Age is just a number. Every rose has its thorn, PRs are temporary. Trail stories are forever. 🤙