[Ignition] Ignition – Demolition Derby Edition

AO: Ignition
Q: Foundation ,
PAX: Foundation, Deflated, Gerber, Hooch, 0
FNGs: 1 0
COUNT: 5
So YHC decides, after being on a F3 attendance yo-yo longer than a Gerber & Rainman bromance – it was the right time to jump back in and Q Ignition. Updated the preblast to ensure everyone know it will Clydesdale friendly… and what do we get? Five guys. FIVE. Apparently my fellow pax that are part of B.E.E.F. (Brotherhood for Emotional Eating & Feelings) is more of a theoretical organization than an actual one. As none came out to support YHC.

As I get ready and prove LRC dominance to Smithers that I am Deflated’s favorite, find him to be doing his best Punxsutawney Phil cosplay. He first tried short sleeves, then upon seeing his own breath, it was a panic-sprint back inside to grab every article of clothing he owns. Hoodie, layers, probably a Snuggie. Now, things felt normal again.

Meanwhile, YHC clearly out of practice rolling in at start, can’t even get the speaker to connect. Nothing like starting a workout looking like Recalc trying to reset the WiFi. But no big issues as again only 5 pax.

And that’s when it gets weird.
Singlet takes off with the speaker like prime University of Florida Cam Newtown (like he just stole a laptop from the dorms) and begins to sprint down the yellow brick road towards the shed. Then somehow he and Hooch turn the speaker into a third participant in what I can only describe as the least appropriate love triangle in F3 history. The kind of conversation where you’re like, yeah… this is why I don’t bring kids to a workout when Hooch is a HC. Ultimately it sounded like when Mom & Dad say they are making macaroni salad in the bedroom. The speaker – Forever unclean.

We get to the high school circles, do some stretches, lay out the plan: run the loop, horn goes off, you drop and do whatever nonsense YHC calls. Simple. Efficient. Painful. Just how we like it. Squats, merkins, dry docks, smurf jacks… all the classics.

Then we mosey to the steps, while alternating between abs and legs. Right about then, the Flash crew rolls in like the annoying neighbors who hear music and just invite themselves over. Now we’ve got the taller bulkier ginger Ice 9 over there giving a TED Talk about what makes up a “Triple Nickel.” Nobody asked. Nobody cared. But he’s explaining it like it’s nuclear physics.
And Damascus? Oh, Damascus smelled questions in the air and went full Riddler. Just firing them off. “Wait, so is it per side? Is it rounds? What’s the definition?” It’s 5x5x5, not the Da Vinci Code. Just do the reps and or don’t, but no more questions.

At that point, YHC realizes we gotta get the hell out before we’re trapped in a CrossFit seminar, so we grab the speaker and move.

Now is when it turns into a full-blown demolition derby.
We’re running lights—3 up, 2 back—not to be confused with a Paula Abdul. And one by one, the wheels start coming off.

First casualty: Gerber. Just… gone. Foot off the gas like he’s got somewhere better to be. Bet he wishes he would have taken the foot of gas this past week in TX, but instead he picked up a citation in Texas for “speed over form,” which is hilarious because here he was doing neither.

Next up, Deflated. And I mean this with love… maybe the man overheated. The guy who showed up dressed for the Arctic Circle taps out and converts to a walk. Pulled into the pits early with a “bad wheel,” missing the 4-mile mark by 0.2.

So now we’re down to the final showdown: Singlet vs. Hooch.
Absolute domination. Singlet looked like Cleetus McFarland out there, just flooring it and leaving Hooch in the dust. No contest. Just drove the doors off the thing and waved on the way by.

End result – We did the work. We got the miles. We questioned several life decisions. And we had just enough profane music and nonsense to make it all worthwhile.
Appreciate those who showed up.