Fitness, Fellowship, Faith
Fitness, Fellowship, Faith
Anyway, Breezer called for leads for group A & B. I reluctantly raised my hand and thought it was a good idea to get janky with it in an attempt to not get asked again.
To not be tardy, we were off to an excellent start.
We dropped in from 5forks, rode across the stream to Lenny, passing the local groms, because Lennie squeezes too hard. Well, on Lenny if you squeeze too hard you will pet the rabbit and go OTB hard especially if you arent looking for it.
Apparently that’s how mountain biking works….
We immediately hammered zaggy
This trail goes right.
Then left.
Then right.
Then somehow left again.
Kickstand said, “Just flow with it.”
I have no idea what “flow” means.
At the top responsible disclaimer was attempted to not follow me, but no one listened to me until I started using leftist political references…go figure left for the jank or go right to the bottom. To my surprise a few NPR listeners followed me and got a taste o gnar akin to the love child of doc mcstuffins and Henry Rollins. The Fox News righties disappeared around a corner and followed the wrong trail and got the surprise of the epic jump line in development which we were going to ride next to the top, with a few lane changes, yeah my squirrel mind kept changing its mind. Cut over to Ziggy and got bored so I decided to get a full body workout of white knuckles and sphinxter muscles – better bleed your brakes before OTC as we dropped into death creek via Endo callrissians donut hole and through the rock wall above puckerbutt. The trail I believe inspired some trail advocacy or just continued my mentally unstable pipe-dream.
The gnar is no-joke and dispels takes notion that 130mm travel is overkill in Charlotte. Unfortunately death creek claimed some victims inducing fear into the eyes of grown men and creative wound coverup.
I believe this is what professional riders call an endo.
Fortunately, we had Endo with us, so technically he was just demonstrating the technique.
Very educational.
We climbed back up the castrated hall pass (renamed the Gaza Strip) trying to not to rubberneck the carnage brought on when greed mixes with engineering prowess enabled by life size tonka trucks. Got back to the top and took a wrong turn down Ziggy and zagged to rollercoaster 2.0 before hitting the ditch and lower king kong connector.
Over the river and through the woods to grandmas house we go to climb the highest elevation in Waxhaw to attempt to mountain bike on a mountain and consume 325 feet of suburban vertical goodness. Got to the top passed the no-trespassing signs which we continue to ignore to the rocky quartz peak to hit chunks before loam ranger – topping 28mph! Made it to the farm rode and Breezer looked like nothing had happened.
I asked him how he knew where to go.
He said, “I just follow the tire tracks.”
Brilliant.
Stretcher said it was “pretty mellow” as his goggles finally unfogged
Stretcher is either incredibly skilled or has a completely different definition of the word mellow.
Stretcher was already talking about how somebody might need one.
Do we need one?
He said, “You’ll see.”
I didn’t like that answer.
Then we hit the wtf bypass to get back to lenny to scrub scrub.
So.Many.Berms gave me memories of shoulder workouts.
Coming back to
The skills park we bombed past the kiddies and Buffet said my handlebars were too high. I said, “They’re exactly as high as I put them”
He looked at me for about five seconds and rode away to get his flip flops.
I think he was impressed by my cunning shit talking expertise even though I didn’t go to Georgia tech.
Anyway, We cut through the flat lands of cutty to hit the skinny skin skin and I heard a smack and some cursing but that’s just what buffet does. At cutty we climbed middle ménage quad (renamed to Rockwells revenge)and cruised down uno to towards green mile, only to pop out at the white mansion to hit
Out of bounds… no it’s not out of bounds, the survey stakes just keep creeping..
nuthin but a G thang
Well I’m peepin’, and I’m creepin’, and I’m creep-in’
But I damn near got caught, ’cause my beeper kept beepin’
Now it’s time for me to make my impression felt
So sit back, relax, and strap on your seat belt
You never been on a ride like this befo’
With a producer who can rap and control the maestro
At the same time with the dope rhyme that I kick
You know, and I know, I flow some ol’ funky shit
Ok… so the finale was the out of bounds log cabin over the ditch which was only built cuz to not be out of bounds but floats like a feather and stings like a G
We hammered cutty connector for the two minute drill back to COT.
I looked back and Endo somehow cleaned the thing while carrying a snack and re-invented the definition of hands free
I don’t know how.
I don’t ask questions anymore.
I think snugglebone was riding behind him and yelling encouragement.
Mostly:
“YOU GOT THIS!”
Followed by:
“OH NO!”
Followed by:
“YOU REALLY DON’T GOT THIS!”
Excellent spotter
Group B finally rode the right direction headed to cutty, then up the Snake. This trail actually does look like a snake. I know this because there was a snake on it when we made it and I have seen snakes.
There were approximately 700 turns.
Stickers seemed extremely comfortable on it.
That seems suspicious.
He was disappearing around corners and reappearing
Rag I asked if he knew a shortcut.
He said:
“No.”
Then disappeared again.
We don’t trust that
The Crew went down poco and back up to hit the jump line for peaches and stickers and no one else (that’s what they tell their wives).
Rally back and hit lenny and Kong – an impressive 7 miles for B
⸻
FINAL TRAILFORKS PROFESSIONAL ASSESSMENT
Trails: Several
Roots: way less than Beatty
Elevation: More than zero
Jumps: Technically
Trees: Aggressively positioned
Navigation: Excellent, if you follow somebody who needs therapy
Nobody knew: Anything
Crashes: Educational
Mechanical expertise: Inspector Gadget had a multi-tool
Actual mechanical repairs: None
Water: Insufficient
Snacks: rag had enough for everyone
Money spent on snacks: Frugal says $0
Leadership: Cartel
Medical preparedness: Stretcher
Aerodynamics: hootie
Trail knowledge: Breezer
Style: mustard
Navigation: Hi-Hat, allegedly
Technical expertise: Stickers, according to Stickers
Snake handling: gecko
Emotional support: Snugglebone, kickstand
Unnecessary commentary: peach tied with buffet
Actual useful information: Rockwell, occasionally
Most likely to crash: buffet
Most likely to deny crashing: frugal
Most likely to have a tool nobody knows how to use: hootie tied with jonesy
Most likely to eat your snacks: Snugglebone
Most likely to tell you you’re riding wrong: southern tip tied with buffet
Most likely to say “send it”: stickers
Most likely to survive the apocalypse: Cottonmouth
Most likely to get lost: rag
Here is the ride review from peaches:
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
Waxhaw Unnamed Ride Area is basically Whistler if Whistler were in Waxhaw, had no mountains, and no power tools, and was managed by a committee that refuses to enforce trespassing laws .
Would I ride it again?
Absolutely.
Do I know which trails we actually rode?
No.
Did I fall?
Technically.
Did I learn anything?
Absolutely not.
Would I recommend it?
Only if Titanium Plates is leading.
Would I follow TP again?
Absolutely not.
Announcements:
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P.S. If anybody finds my water bottle between the parking lot and Snake, please return it to me. if you find my dignity, just leave it there. Nobody’s using it.
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