[off_the_chain] Minivan escapades

May 4, 2023
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AO: Off__Chain
Q: Magnolia, Titanium Plates
PAX: Southern Tip – Brent, Bratwurst, Cartel, Rag – Joseph Moubarak, Rockwell, Magnolia, Twinkle toes, Peaches, gomer pile
FNGs: None


This is the best part of the trip. This is the trip the best part I really like. What did he say?

I don’t remember if we did Dick‘s, but it should have been this.

Jim Morrison chapter 3 verse 6

Successful hills are here to stay
Everything must be this way
Gentle streets where people play
Welcome to Off the Chain (Soft Parade)
All our lives we sweat and save
Building for a shallow grave
Must be something else we say
Somehow to defend this place
Everything must be this way
Everything must be this way, yeah

There were many secrets shared today – sorta Illuminati off the chain style

Secret 1) When you go mountain biking, you may end up with some minor flesh wounds, which can be pretty expensive, however I found out today, the best kept secret way to save money from injuries is to bypass the ER and go straight a taxidermist in the high country.

The word taxidermy translates to “arrangement of skin”.   Super glue, tufts of hair, sips of moonshine, and some brown paint… good as new!

Secret 2) did you know that someone made a lockbox for truck receivers?  I didn’t find it on Etsy, but rather off the chain! Check this out!
HitchSafe HS7000 Key Vault, Black | Hidden Storage Lock Box For Car Trailer Hitch | Includes Hitch Cover, Drawer with Lock, & Hitch Bolts | Outdoor, Hiking, Surfing Accessories & Truck Accessories

Secret 3) Rockwell really isn’t a creeper rolling up to a suburban parking lot with a minivan and tinted windows.   Although he has only grown kids, no car seat, no sippy cups, and literally is secure enough with his manhood to to show up with a bunch of dudes in mini-van!. Luckily, he was packing a cooler devoid of Bud Light tonight.   Yeah and his minivan fits an XL mountain bike!  Practical and endearing.

Secret 4) every Friday some place in Matthews sells pallets of stuff for 14 bucks.
The last few weeks, Cartel has been showing up with delusional stories of grandeur from some store that sells all the dregs of amazon prime returns for 14 bucks on Friday apparently akin to Black Friday at Walmart in Fargo SD.   Two weeks ago, He got a garmin watch, 2tb hard drive and all these bargain shopper deals!!! Sorta sounded like he bought GameStop stock that one time.   Well this week he pulled out  a beat up box full of flasks that his better half decorated with off the chain logos!   Not responsible for next weeks DUIs on find bikes.

All y’all wake up at 5 o’clock in the morning for some grab ass While you work out, run out sweat it out do you dicks have nothing to show for it- where we all have flasks!!!! Top that homies!!! Reppin the brand! Off the chain!!!!!

Anyway, yeah, another eventful day of off the chain started pretty tame but ended with some surprises. You never know what’s gonna come out of someone’s mouth after they just hammered for an hour. 10 bike pax showed up ready to rock and roll ready to do the slow Mo control.


peaches gave the flavor Flav award to Twinkle Toes for the deservingly redemption down white knuckle sphinxter pucker road.

Rag adorned the stumpy award with werthers candy and gave to gomer –
Gomer came out of retirement, Mr. family man with a new kid and pushed himself hard to get a great work out.  He said he was tired but was smiling.

Magnolia picked up at six shredded the last half always with a cooler and a smile

southern tip is a secret weapon I go to war with that guy.

Bratwurst had some technical difficulties, but putting in the miles for the Waxhaw trail test.

Rockwell got face slapped by titanium plate. Sorry dude didn’t mean to.

MARY: 🤷‍♀️

WTF this Saturday-help event on bikes if you aren’t running.  Clean up etc

COT: prayers for @foley – lost both parents within a short time