Fitness, Fellowship, Faith
Fitness, Fellowship, Faith
So back to me, as not only can Hatchet (another mention for you – thats 2) talk about himself in 3rd person so can Foundation. The people spoke. Or maybe it was just a chicken—I don’t know how democracy works around here—but now I’m in charge. And you know what? It’s time for a leader who represents the Clydesdales. That’s right, the Large Body Division (LBD). Gone are the days when the site catered to these skinny-jean-wearing, leg-day-skipping, marathon-rabbit types who think a tough workout is jogging at a leisurely pace while the rest of us are moving entire tectonic plates at 5:15 in the morning.
We’re done with that nonsense. You’ve got a leader now who understands what it’s like to haul 250+ pounds around before sunrise. It’s not easy, but guess what? We do it. So, here’s the new deal: Everyone’s gonna suffer equally—fat, skinny, tall, short, fast, slow. We keep the mileage, but it’s coming with a side of “equal opportunity pain.” Big guys get to shine, skinny guys actually break a sweat for once, and everyone leaves thinking, “That sucked, but I can’t wait to come back.” So if you get selected to Q, better not allow the skinny guys extra breaks or the Ignition CZAR himself Foundation and his consigliere Chicken Little will order you guys to get some extra running in as the LBD gets to mary as you enter and then we can mosey on.
Day 1 of the New Regime: The Thang
The mission: Keep moving for 60 minutes. And no more of this nonsense where the skinny guys sprint off, do their thing, and then take a victory lap while they wait for the Large Body Crew to catch up. Nope. Today, we flipped the script.
Here’s what went down:
1. Mosey to the High School Parking Lot: Music was bumping—because what’s worse than suffering? Suffering in silence.
2. Warm-Up
3. Main Event:
– Split into two groups. Group 1 ran an outside burpee Indian run around the starfish. Group 2 stayed in the middle and completed the starfish that included 5 merkins, squats, Bobby Hurleys, dry docks in the corners, and a burpee in the middle. Once starfish was done, swap and go right into work. Complete 3 rounds in total.
1. Partner Work: Indian run with the speaker to the 2 circles. Partners up and run in opposite directions, when you meet up alternate between hand-slap merkins and Bobby Hurleys. Five rounds each. Again, everyone worked, and nobody got a break with skinny guys having opportunity to run further if needed.
2. Transporter Shed Check-In: Side note—do we even still use this thing? It’s like an abandoned relic. Recalc- Keith Balaniz can you advise on the TP situation? Is it a “BYODW Facility”—Bring Your Own Dude Wipes.
3. Elongated Paula Abdul: Three lights up, two lights back. Speed skaters and dry docks. Here is where the music started to get faint for us on the tail, but thats alright we remained within earshot.
4. Final Whistle: Back to partner work with hand-slap merkins and Bobby Hurleys until time was up.
By the end, everyone had clocked 5–6 miles and was completely gassed. You know it’s a good workout when you’re looking at your watch, cursing under your breath, and realizing you’ve already done over three miles and still have time left.
So there you go—Day 1 in the books. The skinny guys suffered, the big guy (as I think I was only one who qualifies for 250+ in the group today) survived, and everyone got what they came for: a workout that sucked in all the best ways. Welcome to the new era.
Moleskin:
– Rooster – was intrigued by the preblast and wanted to see the chaos in action and I believe approved of the outcome. (We made sure to clear the mileage requirement for ya, no problem)
– Chicken Little – Apologize for putting you in the other group, but every now and then you have to sacrifice something and nothing better then some fried bird so you got the unlucky draw today
– Singlet – Justin Nelson – Thought guy was coming back from injuries, but he was out front whole time pushing the pace, guess that is what happens when you have been eating creatine in your cereal since your 5.
– Rain Man – We appreciated you coming out and keeping Singlet honest out there, but all I kept thinking was, we could have done without the Rain……man! But happy to have you there
– Jitterbug – Shifty little guy coming around on the indian runs, and had to flip him off as he cut me off little close, but will allow it as it made me use the Jake Brake to not run him over
– Zinfandel – Appreciate you calling out YHC detour on the first round-a-bout and for your kudos on the playlist
– Bottlecap – looked like was trying out for a role as a Caddy extra in the upcoming Happy Gilmore movie today with outfit
– Punxsy – Shawn Chen – I must have been his shadow today as never saw him much in any of the crossings
– Hooch – Bret Turner – probably still chuckling that I listed “elongated” Paula Abduls earlier in post
– Recalc- Keith Balaniz – Kept steady speed and I think YHC might have earned a Spa Pass for the Balaniz Russian Bath House