Fitness, Fellowship, Faith
Fitness, Fellowship, Faith
Some things are hard to put into words. Some things, you just can’t understand…unless you were there. That describes Titan this morning. It was an epic workout for the boys. Curling kettle bells in the bed of my truck, with other men who were dressed like classless rednecks, while other men pushed the truck, while Chastain steered the Chevy machine with more precision than Tony Stewart at the Watkins Glen race in 2009, may have been the most fun I’ve had with people other than my family since I quit drinking. Well done boys. Well done.
-Assparilla laid the promo out with sheer excellence yesterday to hype it up. Then he shows up with a sleeveless flannel that Jameson whiskey sent him for drinking enough of their whiskey to fill up an above ground pool in the backyard of a single wide trailer in Gastonia.
-Jitterbug came to work hard today. Though he’s from Chicago, he proved that city boys can get the job done too. He and Assparilla were very surprised that I got there before them today, and had a well planned beatdown ready to roll, that I sent them the night before, along with a playlist so country that Joe Diffie would’ve signed off on it if he was still alive.
-Mad dog was a team player today. It took him a few minutes to settle in, but once he did, he got dialed in harder than Reba Mcentire when she introduced Alan Jackson to sing “Gone Country” at the 1994 ACM Awards. He converted the tire flip to the tire role. That’s working smarter, not harder. Respect to that my brother.
-Of course, Elmer’s brought his A game. He’s the most sophisticated and distinguished redneck in F3 ‘Haw. He and mad dog stayed together the whole time. They say they’re “just friends” and “only talking” right now. But, I won’t be surprised if we see a change in Elmer’s relationship status on Facebook before the next “Alabama Farewell Tour” (which will be the fifth one). Elmers if you keep working on lunge, lunge, thrust, you’ll be unstoppable on your next visit to Coyote Joes.
-Uhaul pulled in slightly after I did. Now that I’ve arrived at a workout earlier than him, I can retire. Obviously, he fit right in with the redneck activities. Any man that can grow a long chin beard thicker than Willie Robertson from Duck Dynasty, with an arm full of ink, that tears up talking about his daughter’s wedding, is my kind of people.
-Sugar Daddy showed up in dark blue camo, and didn’t even know he was wearing camo. He probably didn’t see it, because IT IS camo. He wasn’t familiar with a few of the different activities we did, but he was a team player. His efforts earned him a camo hat that will make him harder to see than George Strait was at his 2005 concert at the Greensboro Coliseum when I was sitting in the nosebleeds.
-Catfish obviously was at home out there today. He showed up looking the part so well that he could’ve just walked out of the music video shoot of Gretchen Wilson’s song called “redneck woman”. He needs to quit working out legs. If he’s not careful, those denim jorts are gonna split faster than a pair of skinny jeans would on Luke Combs.
-Avis went hard today. His commitment to getting all he could out of the workout earned him a hat that was more orange than the one that the random Tennessee fan was wearing when he sold my buddy and I a mason jar full of moonshine back in 2008 before the Vols played the Cocks.
-As stated earlier, Chastain earned our respect by navigating the Chevy while being pushed. He tries to act like he’s not, but we all know, he can’t hide the red on his neck or the red in his hair. It is what it is. Regardless of what he wants us to believe, we all know he’s the kind of guy that eats liver mush sandwiches and drinks gas station coffee for breakfast. And I bet he used to pull for NASCAR driver Dick Trickle when he was a kid…..figures.
Lastly, there’s me. What qualifies me to be an actual redneck? I don’t know for sure. But here’s a few things that may: Maybe it’s because my brothers and I wore camo in our annual family portraits. Or that we took those annual portraits at K-Mart. Or that I spent two years saving money from cutting grass, only to spend every dollar of it on a bowling ball, a trip to the Talladega NASCAR Race, a styrofoam cooler, two 18 packs of Coors Light, and one bag of ice. Or that I used to wear NASCAR shirts that displayed the #1 car driven by Rick Mast and sponsored by Skoal. Or maybe that I couldn’t save an important podcast I recorded one time because I took the SD card out to put it in my trail camera close to my deer stand. Or that I do my best sleeping close to a window unit AC in a double wide trailer. Or that I shocked my penis by peeing on an electric fence….twice….don’t ask.
Oh yeah…Here’s the workout. Just in case you were wondering:
-Mosey/stretch to warm up.
-Get down to business.
-Pick two man teams.
-Assume positions at each station.
-The timer is a guy rifle carrying a 45lb weight to the woods and back.
-Stations rotate on their lap completion.
Stations:
1- Cooler carry: Partners stand at opposite sides of parking lot. One partner carries cooler length of the lot. Passes off to partner. He carries it back. OR they both carry it at the same time down and back. THIS SYMBOLIZES CARRYING YOUR COOLER TO A NASCAR TAILGATE PARTY.
2- Tombstone carry: Same format as cooler carry but with tombstone. THIS SYMBOLIZES CARRYING YOUR DOG TO SAFETY IF IT GETS WOUNDED BY A BLACK BEAR.
3- Double dumbbell carry: Same format as cooler carry but with two 50lb dumbbells. THIS SYMBOLIZES CARRYING TWO BUCKETS OF LIVE FISHING BAIT DOWN TO YOUR BOAT.
4- Sledge hammer/tire: Partners alternate swings to hit tire 100 total times. THIS SYMBOLIZES CHOPPING FIREWOOD.
5- Salt lick overhead press: Partners rotate after 25 reps until you reach 100 total reps. THIS SYMBOLIZES LIFTING YOUR YOUNG SON UP TO SEE HIS FAVORITE DIRT TRACK RACE CAR DRIVER EACH LAP OF THE RACE.
6- Sandbag/ruck run: One partner is wearing a 50 pound ruck sack and one partner is carrying a 50 pound sandbag. Run 100 yards. Partners swap ruck and sandbag. Run 100 more yards. THIS SYMBOLIZES CARRYING YOUR GEAR FULL SPEED TO HEAD OFF THE DEER YOUR DOGS ARE TRACKING BEFORE HE CROSSES THE CREEK BANK.
7- Hair burners: One partner pushes a 35lb plate and other partner pushes a 25lb plate from COT to middle parking lot island and back. THIS SYMBOLIZES YOU PUSHING YOUR YOUNG SON ON HIS TOY SIZE JOHN DEER TRACTOR HE GOT CHRISTMAS MORNING.
8- 60 pound sandbag lunge with thrust: Each partner front carries 60lb sandbag. Lunge. Lunge. Thrust. From COT to middle parking lot island and back. THIS SYMBOLIZES YOU BEING ABLE TO PLEASE YOUR WIFE AT THE LEVEL OF VIGOR AND INTENSITY SHE’S BECOME ACCUSTOMED TO.
9- Deer corn carry: Start with four 50 lb bags of deer corn. Each partner gets one bag and runs one full length of parking lot. Drops it. Runs back. Grabs other bag. Repeats. THIS SYMBOLIZES CARRYING YOUR DEER CORN OUT TO YOUR TREE STAND.
10- Truck push: Self explanatory. THIS SYMBOLIZES PUSHING YOUR TRUCK OUT OF THE MUD WHEN YOU GET STUCK.
11- Tire flip: Partners alternate flipping tire from COT to middle parking lot island and back. THIS SYMBOLIZES NOTHING. IT’S JUST A TIRE FLIP.
We finished up with a quality COT. I shared some words regarding the fact that addiction and mental health issues have led to me seeing some pretty dark valleys over my life. But those challenges have given me perspective, mental toughness, dependance on God, and empathy for others, that I would’ve never had otherwise. Though I’ve made many mistakes, I wouldn’t change one thing about my life. It’s molded me to be the man I am today. It doesn’t matter how you start. It matters how you finish. Let’s all finish strong.
Then, we lifted up some brothers in prayer. After that, I cut a hole in a Diet Coke can with a CUTCO steak knife, and shotgunned the Diet Coke. It’s been a while…..but I’ve still got it boys. I’ve still got it. But I’m glad it was a Diet Coke and not a Busch Latte. For that I’m thankful. I’ve come a long way. But I’ve still got far to go. Thanks for journeying with me. I’m glad I’m not doing it alone.
🪓
